AE Circa 360-330/25 BCE
Ex Bertolami Auction 44 (Sep 2017)
Announcer: Welcome to the Bachelorette, Macedonian edition! Our special someone today is none other than Kleopatra of Macedon, full sister of Alexander the Great! She’s had a difficult life as of late. Her father was murdered on her wedding night, her famous brother perished from who-knows-what in Babylon, her husband was betrayed by his own troops in Lucania and killed, and her dog just died. How are you doing today, Kleopatra?
Kleopatra: Just wonderful. Thanks for bringing up those great memories.
Announcer: Now, one thing I’ve often wondered about your husband. Is there any truth to the speculation of Livy, that his fortunes would be been different had he changed places with your brother, because Alexander III “waged war against women?”
Bruttium, Croton 334-331 BCE
AE 12mm 3.37g
Attianese, Calabria Graeca, 267,510
Ex Collection of M. Weder
Kleopatra: I would say whoever said that, from whatever piss-ant insignificant city he be, never had to deal with an Argead woman.
Announcer: Well, good to know. Now lets meet our bachelors. First we have Leonnatos, one of the bodyguards of Alexander the Great. Next, we have Eumenes, who’s been traveling up and down the desert for the last week trying to catch a signal.
Moving on, we have Perdikkas, regent for our little Alexander IV.
In the name and types of Alexander III
Struck under Menes, with Perdikkas as regent
Tyre, dated RY 29 of Azemilkos = 321/0 BC
Head of Herakles to right, wearing lion skin headdress / Zeus Aëtophoros seated to left, holding sceptre; ΑΛΕΞΑΝΔΡΟΥ to right, -|O (Phoenician ‘K = ‘Ozmilk [king of Tyre]) above ||| ||| =/||| (Phoenician date [29]) in left field.
Price 3275 (Ake); Newell, Dated 32 (same); DCA 737; HGC 3.1, 941 (Alexander IV). 17.03g, 26mm, 6h.
Next on our eligible bachelor list is Kassander, son of Antipater, who did not murder your brother and who’s professed a keen desire to meet young Alexander IV to show him something.
AE 18 mm, 6.09 g, 11 h
Amphipolis (?)
Laureate head of Apollo to right. Rev. ΒΑΣΙΛΕΩΣ – ΚΑΣΣΑΝΔΡΟΥ Tripod; to left, monogram; to right, kerykeion.
McClean 3553. SNG München 1030
Of course, where would we be without the great Lysimachos. Don’t let that age catch you. He’s still perfectly capable of killing a kid or two.
Kopf des vergöttlichten Alexander / Athena mit Nike-Statuette auf Cippus und Schild, Beiz. Monogramm und 2 gegenläufige Pferdeprotomen.
Thompson in Festschr. Robinson (1968), -, vgl. 256 HGC 1750q; Thompson, Armenak-Hoard (=ANS MN 31, 198 – Müller, Lysimachus – Arnold-Biucchi in Festschr. Price (1998) Unpublished variant(?)
Continuing on with our amazing men, we have Antigonos I Monophthalmos. He’s one to keep an eye on, and if you find him too ancient, there’s always his womanizing, pediophile son Demetrios. He’s ready to besiege you.
Antigoneia 305-300 BCE
28mm 16.33g
Head of young Herakles facing right, wearing a lion’s skin. / ALEXANDPOY, Zeus enthroned left, holding an eagle and a sceptre, X on left, M on right, Ph below throne.
Price 3195, Müller 804
Tetradrachm AR 30 mm, 17,12 g
Diademed and horned head of young Demetrios right / ΒΑΣΙΛΕΩΣ ΔΗΜΗΤΡΙΟΥ, poseidon standing left resting foot on rock, monograms at either side.
Newell 90
Finally, last but not least, all the way from Alexandria, home of your brothers’ corpse, is Ptolemy I Soter. Don’t let his bickering wives scare you, this man’s all heart and is currently constructing the world’s largest phallic symbol in the Pharos and the world’s first Internet in the Great Library of Alexandria.
27.5 mm 14.6g 1h
Sv.162 (37 ex) – Cop.29 – GC.7750 var. – BMC.- – MP.6
Avers : Buste cornu et diadémé d’Alexandre le Grand sous les traits de Zeus-Ammon à droite, coiffé de la dépouille d’éléphant avec l’égide.
Revers : Athéna Promachos ou Alkidemos marchant à droite, brandissant une javeline de la main droite et tenant un bouclier de la gauche ; dans le champ à gauche, un casque corinthien, un monogramme et un aigle sur un foudre tourné à droite.
Announcer: Now that we’ve met our amazing bachelors, it’s time for Kleopatra to meet them for our first cut.
Kleopatra: No need. I choose Leonnatos. I remember the guy from growing up in Pella. He’s ambitious and not bad to look at.
Announcer: I don’t think you understand. You can’t just pick someone. We need to cull them off slowly for ratings.
Kleopatra: If I recall, wasn’t the last announcer thrown in a pit and burned alive?
Announcer: And we have a winner! Leonnatos, come on down! What…Oh dear. On his drive over here, he stopped in Lamia for some Starbucks, came upon a siege, gave his assistance, and died.
Kleopatra: Priorities, priorities. Fine! I’ll go with Perdikkas.
Announcer: Wait a minute. Perdikkas, you didn’t disclose your wedding to Nicaea on the entry forms. Oh, and…It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry to report, Kleopatra, that our dear Perdikkas has just been murdered by his own troops.
Kleopatra: Seriously!
Eumenes: Choose me, dear Kleopatra. I’ll keep you safe.
Kleopatra: Yeah, you and what army? Seriously, what army? Antigonos has been chasing you all over. Those geriatrics with silver shields aren’t going to stay loyal forever.
Announcer: But, we have many fine candidates remaining. How about Kassander?
Kleopatra: Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth.
Announcer: Okay, Lysimachos?
Kleopatra: I’d prefer my children to not be killed, thank you.
Announcer: Very well, then. Antigonos or Demetrios?
Kleopatra: What is Demetrios going to do? Hang me on the wall with the rest of his collection? No. That’s it. I’m not choosing any of these losers. Game over.
Announcer: Oh. I forgot to mention one of the rules. You have to pick someone or we kill you.
Kleopatra: What?
Announcer: Yeah. See here in the fine print? I know it’s all Greek, but…
Kleopatra: Fine! I’ll take Ptolemy. At least the weather’s nice and there’s plenty of books to read.
Announcer: Oh! I’m sorry! That was the wrong answer. Unfortunately, Antigonos has made clear that since you didn’t choose him, he has to kill you.
Kleopatra: What the hell!?
Announcer: Sad ending for this month’s bachelorette. Tune in next week for our Philadelphia special with Arsinoe II.
