Ancient Coin Stories

A long, long time ago in a place not so far away, there lived a man named Zopyrion. He was a Macedonian under Alexander the Great, and had been placed in Thrace in order to guard against a potential Persian counterattack.

Now, Thrace back then wasn’t a happening place. Not only was it cold and snowy, but there were no bowling alleys and getting a clear signal was a major hassle. Life had become boring there, and Zopyrion was jealous of all the fun Alexander and his merry crew were having. So, he resolved to do some conquering too.

Back then, the list of countries marauding armies could overrun were similar to those now. Since Thrace wasn’t that far from Ukraine, Zopyrion chose that one – or more specifically the rich Greek colony of Olbia.

Olbia was a weird place back then. Perhaps it was because they were in the sticks, but they minted some of the oddest coins such as this one in the shape of a dolphin.

Back to Zopyrion; he recruited an army of thirty-thousand men, then headed toward a now royally freaked Olbia. For the area, this was a massive force, and the Olbians had every right to be scared. They’d done absolutely nothing to annoy Zopyrion, but that didn’t matter. He’d set out to obliterate the city.

To improve their odds, the Olbians gave their slaves freedom, granted citizenship to foreigners, and called for help far and wide. They were in a major bind, and unlike at Tarentum, they couldn’t even ride the dolphins. Since everyone else was busy with Alexander the Great, no help came, but they did receive a massive windfall in a storm that destroyed Zopyrion’s fleet on the Black Sea (just saying…it could have been the dolphins).

Despite the favorable Vegas odds and the hundreds of talents bet on them, Zopyrion and his crew failed to take Olbia. With their supply chain gone, they had no choice but to make the long retreat back to Thrace. Only they never arrived.

The Scythians, Getae, and other tribes, who’d taken a beating by Philip II and Alexander III for the last several years, couldn’t resist some Macedonian target practice. Little by little they picked Zopyrion and his army off until Zopyrion was annihilated.

Alexander the Great, who later read about the events in the newspaper, was initially bummed, but then after reading on to learn that Agis of Sparta and Alexander I of Epiros had also perished in separate events, he was quite happy. Completely forgetting who Zopyrion was, he moved on to the comics.

Meanwhile, in Olbia, there was much rejoice. This coin was minted just after the victory, a reminder of the perseverance of a city and country against stacked odds.