Ancient Coin Stories

In 370 BCE, Alexander II was your everyday Macedonian prince, listening intently to his fifth period social studies teacher at Pella High School, when he was interrupted with news that his father Amyntas III, had died.

This meant that Alexander was now the ruler of the entire kingdom. Once he’d commemorated his father, he took the throne but had barely begun to hang the party decorations when the Illyrians and a royal pretender in Pausanias attacked from two sides.

The Illyrians had long been a thorn in Macedon’s side. They’d always marauder here and marauder there, and their raids had become frequent enough that on every other Tuesday, all the malls closed and the public went into hiding.

Being a typically brave teenager, Alexander solved this problem by opening his checkbook and shipping his brother Philip II to the Illyrians. Happy with the ability to now mail order some silphium and Tyrian purple, the Illyrians retired with their hostage. A bit unluckily for them, Philip paid attention to their military habits. Some years later, when they pillaged their way back to a Macedonia with Philip in charge, he would react far differently.

The other threat, Pausanias the Pretender, who was supported by the Thracian King Kotys I, required a different strategy. This required Alexander to jump up and down yelling “help!” very loudly.

Luckily, Iphikrates of Athens just happened to be off the coast, heard Alexander’s screams, and rushed in to the rescue. Although few details remain, it seems likely this assistance was sealed with an agreement for Macedon to leave Amphipolis to Athens.

The kingdom was now saved, and Alexander felt very content with himself. However, being a typical adolescent, he desired some adventure.

This action soon came to be in the restless Thessalians. What had started as a dodgeball game there had become a civil war, and the Macedonians were asked for assistance. Alexander heartedly agreed.

Initially, he did well for himself. He took several cities, including Larissa, but then found he kind of liked them. After all, that nymph of Larissa that today we see on their coinage was majorly hot. Together, Alexander felt they could be the hottest couple on the Amphikyionic Carpet, and he kept his garrisons in the city, despite pleas that she was currently dating Poseidon.

Thebes, the big boys in Greece at the time, didn’t like Alexander’s aggression at all. They sent the general Pelopidas, who promptly routed the Macedonian forces from Thessaly and gave Alexander a proper spanking. As part of their new agreement, Alexander also had to trudge back up to Illyria, grab his brother Philip II, and hand him over to Thebes.

In retrospect, this was an equally bad move on the part of Thebes. Philip II also paid eager attention to Thebes’ military tactics, and would later use them to knock Thebes from their hegemony. His son, Alexander III, would take it a step further and annihilate the city when they dared to test his patience.

Impotence in battle really frustrated poor Alexander II, but he knew just the thing to lighten his mood – a festival!

Unfortunately for our young king, he hadn’t read Game of Thrones, mainly because George R. R. Martin wouldn’t be born for another 2300 years. Had he read it, he would have known to keep a better lookout for things.

Ptolemy of Aloros, though, had at least watched the first season, and so the power play was simple.

Get the backing of a powerful nation like Athens. Promise them goodies such as free popcorn at movie theaters and a few cities.

Knock off the current king.

Since his younger brother, Perdikkas III, was too young, serve as the regent.

Now you have power, in three easy steps.

And so, Ptolemy of Aloros did just that. Alexander II had just complimented the chef on the sushi when he was assassinated, and his elementary-school brother became effective king. Ptolemy of Aloros ruled as regent for several years, but unfortunately became too confident and never watched the second season. A few years later, Perdikkas III had him executed.